Are spinning like a top as we spiral down the tube to and endless bottom of the nothingness? Or will we rise up as the spiraling transforms into that twist of the endless string of memories we protected.We are creatures of habit in all things we created in the non-transitions of the future we could be by virtue of our mindless chattering of memories we cling to.The whys or the once were are meanless but we hold them higher than the present moments we should cherish.The here and now so often becomes the remember when as the conversations are just the death of something.The people stare and wonder at the phenomena of the reasons of the past like a mirror and say it still is mine.Come with me to my past and live there with me so we can repeat it and remain lost in it.Lost in a maze like a rat seeking cheese and the doors are all shut to the present moment to the rat.I was in that maze for two days and found it interesting and somewhat bothersome to the present and the future aspect that I maintain for my sanity
My first husband and I took on a journey like two small children on that path like Hansel and Gretel picking up breath crumbs to find our way back home. Where was home was it in the past or was the past really the future we had sought?We had no present together after 30 years on our separate journeys to follow the callings of God we both took. The journey began in the grief of his brother and mother that where his family before we married in 1966.We had some phone contact on this journey but all physical contact stop on that day we buried his mother as we walked away from the grave he put his arm around me and we got into the van and I turned on the radio on and the song by the Byrds played "turn, turn, turn" as the words filled me with tears "to everything is season" I knew it was the end of the physical connection That thought still echoes in my mind to this day.We return to her grave together this weekend and all those thoughts became real again in the moment and the emotions of that day were different even though the scene was still in front of my eyes.I walked over and sat on the bench in front of her grave site the place I sat that day of her burial.The first time he sat with me and we held each other tightly.He walked pass me without a look and when over to her grave and took a picture of her headstone.He was very careful to no walk on the graves and made a comment about that to me how important it was not to walk on his mother's grave. I didn't feel her there like I did on that day she was buried.It was non-emotional to me and I couldn't shake the thoughts of that day replaying in my mind.He was very cold and distant and I keep thinking he would want comfort.There was no need for comfort or sadness this was a new day for both of us as we were just going through the motions for some reason and it had to be God.I became very detached for two days around him and it was if I was there but only for a purpose that God had wanted.I was alone but he was there and I wouldn't have been there by myself because I had no reason to visit a grave site because I knew she had moved on and her spirit was not there anymore.So this whole scene was for him or was it?The next grave area was some distance away so we got in the van and you know I turned on the radio.No song was playing and the memory was erased by God. Did this mean something to me?My thoughts had changed and the memory has changed now.We drove to his brother's grave and he couldn't remember where it was so we got out and walked around the cemetery to look for it. We couldn't find it and decided to go to the office on the other side of the road belonging to the caretakers of the cemetery.It was closed so we left and talked about making a call on Mondy to find the location of his brother's grave.We didn't talk in the van about his brother but I did get a sense that his brother had not left the Earth plane.I got emotional and I did cry a little bit but my first husband didn't say anything to me.I was mentally tired and told him to take me home so he drove me back to my apartment.I wasn't physical tired even after the walking and riding in the van most of the day from 10:30 am till 4:00pm.I usually get tried riding for long distance and all that kind of walking on wet muses landscape that were in the cemeteries after all the snow we had recently here in Virginia.I seem to be going through the motion of something and my detachment was really in full force.This was something God want me to experience for my life is to bring something through me to the children.This journey that I am on and the one he has chosen it coming back around for God's purpose, not mine or his.
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